Drowning…

I saw old faces, I saw my best friend way back my high school days. It was in a different place, unfamiliar. We were lining up for something… Then… I saw him there. He still wants me back, but I can’t. I was going to go when he pulled me back. Then he started to kiss me, then touch me… I felt harassed. He wouldn’t stop. I pushed him back, and told him to leave me alone. I ran away from that place. Then the scene turned to a cafeteria. @__@ I saw those old classmates from high school. I was feeling sick that time. Like I just took in “muriatic acid” or of that sort. *faints* I was almost throwing up. I wasn’t able to forget the scene with him. I was mad at him, for doing that to me.

Then… I woke up. Feeling stressed and bothered.

What the heck was that dream all about??!! O__O

Anyways…

I wasn’t able to get a good sleep last night… Even though I went to bed earlier than usual, I ended up staying awake until 2am or 3am, I wasn’t able to check the time. My thoughts were killing me. Someone said something weird, and that weird thing was bothering me all the way. >__< I wasn’t even comfortable lying in my bed, I was turning from side to side, or changing my position after 5 minutes or so… T___T

I’m acting weird lately… Geez, maybe I’m starting to go crazy. haha. I hope not! XDD

NO NOCTURNAL HOURS ANYMORE

Yeah… I am prohibited to use the computer beyond 12 a.m. Why? Because my parents don’t want me to. They’ll be mad if they see me around beyond that time. They’re MEAN!!! T_T… They say that I am spending too much time with my PC. Heck, my pc is my only friend here, my buddy. I don’t want to go out around the neighborhood, I don’t like the people here. My friends are towns and towns away from mine. Why can’t they understand that internet and computers are part of me now… *sigh*

about men…

Oprah wrote this about men

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve
then heck no, you can’t “be friends”.
A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend. Don’t settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don’t stay because you think “it will get better.”
You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man’s behavior.
Change comes from within. (yeowch)
Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are…
even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else’s man.
If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending…compromise is a two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships…there is nothing cute about baggage…
Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you…
a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals…
look for someone complimentary…not supplementary.
Dating is fun…even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right. (Lesson learned.)
Make him miss you sometimes…
when a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother’s house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Share this with other women and men (just so they know)…
You’ll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.

I got that while I was reading ate kat’s blog. ^^

lost

i just don’t know what to say anymore…

it’s too painful…

Cold shoulder…

I don’t know where am I going. I thought that I can control myself, the confusion, the selfishness and the unfaithfulness.

Where should I go?

It’s bothering me, killing me softly. Am I really bisexual? Or am I turning homo now…

Naturally, I would feel something with he’s teasing… But now… I don’t want to be teased, I don’t want to ride on to his teasing. I know, I might be hurting him. What is with my coldness? Is that, I just don’t want to go hotty, coz Im not in the mood for that or I just can’t go hot with him. Geezzz!

It’s hurting me, I wan’t to love him back, as much as he loves me. I wan’t to return the feelings of the past. Its just that, I dunno how… I am trying to be myself again, but there is no progress with that. Am I becoming better or worse? How can I control this?

I want to be released from this misery. I want to breathe, I want to be sure of myself. I’m tired of this pain. It’s eating me inside.

When I think about how he misses me, how he wants to hold me, how he hurts thinking that I am here and he’s there. I feel sad, I feel hurt. I love him… That is what I am telling myself.

Love… what is that?

Now, I don’t know what that word means. I am starting to go numb again. It’s like, I am tired of my relationship. I want to be free. This is driving me crazy.

What should I do?

I can’t think straight anymore…

… :(

Numb wanna be!
(by Jane)

Loosing all the thoughts,
Loosing all my sanity,
Loosing all the memories,
Loosing the feeling…

Tears that can’t get away,
Fear is eating me, dead.
A heart that doesn’t want to pump.
A brain that doesn’t want to think.

Hold me close!
Hold me now…
Hold me…
Hold me while…
I’m still around.

I am a numb wanna be!
A numb wanna be!

Tell me,
you’d be there to make me human again.
Tell me,
you’d want me to feel love again.
Tell me,
you’d break my wall.

Break my wall and make my heart bleed again.
I live when I bleed!
So, let me bleed!

Let me feel how hurt could be so good.
So good…

So good I wanna be numb again…
I wanna be numb…
numb again and again.

… uncertainty.

Things come to our lives for certain reasons. A lot of things happen in just a blink of an eye. One day you’d open your eyes and then, realize that… Everything was changing except you.

When we needed someone to listen, when we needed someone to understand, and there was none… We can’t notice that, we sometimes arrive to a place where, no one can disturb the silence that heals those wounds. Wounds from people that we expected to be there for us: a person who should be the first to hold your hand during the times that we want to let go, and a person who should know you more than anyone, will turn their backs, and let us down… Or maybe the worst, breaking our heart during the times that it’s already broken.

I might not make any sense to you, but… I know that it makes sense to me. I might sound crazy but… I know I’m a lot crazier than this.

I want to find answers to my questions…

….

Oh well… In the end, I was not able to make an amv for Strawberry Panic. ToT My pc restarts every time I open, movie maker or photoshop… geeezzz this sucks! My Tamao-chan!! Tamao-chan!! T_________T

Unrequited love…

I know this time is really late, but I can’t help not to write this. My eyes can’t barely stand to open, lol. XDDDD but still, it isn’t stopping me from posting this. XDDD

I was able to re view the anime “Strawberry panic” (yep, watched the anime, the second time now ^^), and again, as the first view of this anime from episodes 1-26, in the end, I’ve cried so many times. Especially at the last part of the story… *sob* *sniff* T_______T

I sympathized Tamao’s feelings… Giving way for the happiness of her loved one is her way of expressing her love for that person. I wanted Tamao and Nagisa to be together. Or maybe, I wanted Tamao to be happy. I really felt the hurt when Tamao pushed Nagisa away so that Nagisa won’t be having second thoughts to be with Shizuma… *sigh* The statement “Congratulations, nagisa” coming from Tamao was so heart tearing. Letting her love go, so that, that person can be happy made my heart melt.

I don’t really care if this anime is yuri, for I am watching because of the story, not just the characters

*sob* I am still crying for Tamao… *sigh* Sometimes, sacrifices are to give happiness to your loved one, some are simple, small, big and I think most common would be, sacrificing your own happiness in exchange for the happiness of that loved one.

Now, I’m thinking… it’s really hard when you have to accept the fact that, this certain person that you care, and love the most can’t be yours. I do think that, it’s so hard to let go someone who’s name is already engraved in your heart.

Trying to remove that name, will just create a wound and then, a scar that will remain forever…

~

this post ends here, as of now… I have to rest… @_____@ Hmmm… I really want to make the amv for Tamao X Nagisa and Nagisa X Shizuma… If only my eyes can still survive, I would surely do it now! Oh well… I have to go to bed now… ^___^

Ja ne ~~

– Jane ^^

Carried away…

If You’ll Let Me Go
(composed by Jane)

A night passed, then something changed,
The dawn felt so cold,
and I was alone,
yet, the coldness felt so right.

REFRAIN:

Then, a dream came,
the unusual way of expression.
A different heart beat rhythm started,
The way to open my heart for you.

CHORUS:

Will this love last?
Will you be mine at last?
Will you be here beside me?
Will you take every pain I might give you?
Will you catch me if I slip in this journey?
I might not be totally yours, but I love you.
I am selfish, yes i know.
But, it will break me to pieces if you’ll let me go…

Every time I see the image of your face,
it makes my heart jump from within.
Every time I close my eyes,
What I see, is you.

And it makes my heart beat go faster and faster,
then go slower and slower.
A different rhythm ‘coz of this feeling.

I was to give up, I want to forget the day that I had known you,
but my heart cannot take it. I can’t let you go.

REFRAIN:

Then, a dream came,
the unusual way of expression.
A different heart beat rhythm started,
The way to open my heart for you.

CHORUS:

Will this love last?
Will you be mine at last?
Will you be here beside me?
Will you take every pain I might give you?
Will you catch me if I slip in this journey?
I might not be totally yours, but I love you.
I am selfish, yes i know.
But, it will break me to pieces if you’ll let me go…

I can’t stop my heart from loving you.
You make me happy, you make me smile.

I am selfish, yes i know.
But, it will break me to pieces if you’ll let me go…
If you’ll let me go…

~fin
_____________________________________________

Composed the song when I was at work and I hadn’t anything to do. ^^
Well.. This is a serious one though… ho ho ho… ^^ (about a month a go, i think. ^^)